SATIRE

Karen, face mask 😆😆😷

Shoutout to Everything is Alive , the best podcast on inanimate objects to ever hit the airwaves

Hello. We haven’t been with each other for a long time but I feel we are more dear to each other now than we could have ever been before. Why? Well, for one we finally have a relationship-I let you touch me and you let me touch you in return. We’re wrapped together for the ages. In fact, we kiss each other every other day-unless you prefer less attachment, then we merely graze each other. Cute Eskimo kisses. What’s not to love? Skin to fabric, string to ear, elastic to sweat-don’t worry, I’ll always know you now.

You wish I didn’t. In fact, you used to laugh at me when you saw me in the summer in your city, everywhere from restaurants to amusement parks, in places that were clearly tourist hot spots. Tell me, who’s laughing now?

I’m everywhere. You can even make me, in any shape or colour you desire-don’t think I haven’t seen you paint that Joker grin on me! More than Siri, less than your dog? I’d like to think I inhabit that space in-between, reserved for your constant companion. That’s not being arrogant. I’m handy. Foldable, biddable, I stand to attention-slipshod scarves or bulky face shields stand no chance against me in the long term. Still, don’t cheat on me while I’m being nice about it-don’t want to slip on one of us lying around the street one of these days, now, would you?

After all, we’re the thin layer of fabric that stands between you and possible extinction. The Great Wall, if you will.Take heed of us and we can lower the threat to your life by up to 85 percent. For the other party. Because that’s what it means to be social these days-minimising the risk you present to others. It’s not supposed to be a bummer, though. If you stick to us, we’ll keep you all safe from transmission-just hang in there, all right?

It’s hard to accept that you need me. I get that, unrestricted movement of facial physiognomy and the right to be barefaced in public. It’s a cultural thing. In East Asia, we’ve been chummy for centuries but you and me, here in Europe, we’re just starting to get to know each other. Acclimatisation. Huh. Well. You know I feel for you but would it be so hard to at least try to get along? I don’t want to be hanging loosely down your chin or be tied to your arm, damn it. You wouldn’t want your mouth to sag open all day either. We don’t bite. After settling in, you won’t even notice we’re there-that’s how well symbiosis can work. And all that, for the price of a Euro? TALK ABOUT A DEALBREAKER.

We love your little ones though. Love, love, love. They’re not afraid of us, for starters. We are invisibility boosters for the young ones, that we are. Everyone needs a good story and this? This might be the best one. Wear us and you won’t need that cloak of invisibility. Free forever. We prefer that to the government adverts you make about us-just a tad too egocentric, don’t you think? It’s all about your health, your people, your safety-nothing about us beyond a picture or two. So, yeah, don’t be stopping the children from coming to us any time soon.

Back in the day, we were downright fashionable. Diaphanous veils, scented, we made for good dust protection as well. We can do the same for you even today. Ever had a fruit fly get stuck in your nose? It’s summer now, just saying-anything can happen…if you abstain from us.

It’s a good thing doctors are on our payroll. I’ve always liked having some good PR in my quarter. We’ve got it made with publicity. They are the devotees of our cult and you make up the new converts-together, we could be unstoppable. I can already see it happening, waves and waves of us, both you and me, marching together, in unity. A vision for eternity.

You’ll hurt my feelings if you laugh. I’d rather you sneered. We’ve got our own brand of pride to peddle, after all. And why shouldn’t we? Did you know there are refrigerated versions of us, dispelled from vending machines? Perfect when facing the blazing summer sun. Full of cooling agents or pockets to insert your very own ice pack. There’s our sweat absorbent cousin when you are too busy running or mountain-biking to wipe yourself down. We can be somber, granted, but, you see, a lot of fun as well. I say screw dignity if I can one up that mad hatter, the after sun cooling lotion.

But,please, all jokes aside-let’s take that ride together and see where it takes us. Protector and protectee, lion and lamb, seems like we’re in it for the long haul.

Just know, you’re in good hands. Me? Well, I have an inkling I won’t be around for too long to think about that.

Safety is overrated-for a mask.